A Self Aware Soliloquy


I don't really have a few words to really encapsulate all of 2019. I do have a LOT of words that will make little sense unless they're put together really delicately, though. And that's exactly what I'm going to do today. Wrap up 2019.

I watched a lot of mainstream television, from watching and completing FRIENDS for the very first time, to binge watching 2 seasons of Sacred Games a day before an exam. I watched How I Met Your Mother, and personally found in it a space where I belonged. I cried when the show ended, and for a month after, felt alone and in need of someone for comfort. I realised I see myself in a lot of the way the characters talk. The writing still sticks out to me, in a way that it never does. It speaks of hope in a way that's distinct.

This year, I looked back to a lot of the things that shaped me through the last couple of years, and reanalysed myself. I realised that I don't concentrate as well as I did before, I don't remember things very well anymore. I started jotting down things in my phone again. I started writing again, after what can only qualify as a hiatus from writing. I was a little less giving, a little less hopeless than I generally know myself to be this year. I changed, and things around me changed. I learnt that friends are the only people who'll keep you sane in this madness.

This year, I learnt that everything is a plan, and for that plan to work out whichever way it wants to, you need to get up and go out there and do your thing. Life doesn't happen while you sit around planning it. Life happens when you hustle and grab it by the noose, and let it take you where it wants to go.

I look back at the year and realise that so much happened, and yet, everything is a blur, like a year that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. The year before the bigger years.


I don't really have a few words to really encapsulate all of 2019. I do have a LOT of words that will make little sense unless they're put together really delicately, though. And that's exactly what I'm going to do today. Wrap up 2019.

This year, I looked back to a lot of the things that shaped me through the last couple of years, and re-analyzed myself. I realized that I don't concentrate as well as I did before, I don't remember things very well anymore. I started jotting down things in my phone again, in the little diary note kept locked on my phone, gathering electronic dust. I read back to the varying times, when each memoir I wrote described a state of mind that was distinct for its time. Things that I'd forgotten, but told myself to remember always, in the years before.

I started writing again, after what can only qualify as a significant hiatus. I kept masking my inability to loom my thoughts together with words as a 'block' or a 'temporary brain freeze', when the reality was that I was losing touch with my first outlet of creativity, in a seemingly permanent way. I spent the first half of the year in a manic attempt to get back in touch with everything that was on the verge of going away and not coming back. My writing, and my sanity, to some level.

This year, I learnt that when things aren't going your way, the only thing you can do is bide your time and see it through. For better or for worse, things will go your way when your way is where the wind blows.

I learnt that everything is a plan, and for that plan to work out whichever way it wants to, you need to get up and go out there and do your thing. Life doesn't happen while you sit around planning it. Life happens when you hustle and grab the rope by the noose, and let it take you where it wants to go.

I feel like I'm shouting into the void, trying to call out to a past self, who had more to gain and more to lose than I did from this year. And if somehow, my past self could listen to this tirade, all I'd have to say is that there's a lot to be grateful for around you.

I look back at the year and realize that so much happened, and yet, everything is a blur, like a year that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Everything that I gained from this year feels inconsequential, like a day gone nowhere according to plan.

But if there's anything that this year has taught me, it is to bide my time. This might not have been the landmark year for me, or for anyone. A year to forget, as many would say. But this might just be the year before the big years. The calm before the storm, the nadir before the peaks of life. A year of failures, downfalls, and a trip to insanity is coming to a close. Things are okay. I continue to hope.